The Princess and the Pea by Lynn Brittney

Running time approx. 35mins.
The King and Queen decide it’s time their son was married, so they start interviewing princesses. That proves to be a problem! One princess had a curse put on her as a baby and she turns into a mouse at night (it was a mistake to offer her cheese sandwiches at the interview…), and Princess Eglantine of Beverley Hills is just obsessed with shopping (well, what else would you do when your palace is sandwiched in between Chanel and Louis Vuitton?). It’s impossible. Princesses are in short supply, so the Palace Fairy says they’ll have to go slumming and search amongst the commoners. So they embark on a national tour to find the right girl. Cue a right collection of nutcases whose special talents range from nettle-eating to bird-scaring. (Miss World this ain’t!) Eventually a suitable candidate is found but then she has to pass the Queen’s ‘Royal test’. Will she be able to feel the dried pea placed underneath the pile of mattresses on her bed?

One of the commoners asks “Why are princesses always pretty and clean and never do anything naughty?”

To which the Palace Fairy replies “I don’t write the fairy stories, dear, I just live them.”

15 SPEAKING PARTS. UNLIMITED VILLAGERS/COURTIERS COULD BE ADDED.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE ARE NO SONGS SUGGESTED FOR THIS PLAY but please feel free to add your own!

All our scripts contain production notes regarding, scenery, costumes and props.

NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.

Here’s a sample

Part of SCENE 1…

QUEEN

You know what I mean. Eventually, you will need Richard to take over the reins of this kingdom and, when he does that, he’ll be far too busy to look for a wife. No, he must get married now, before all this responsibility falls on his shoulders.

KING

Whatever you say, dear.

PRINCE

So who are these Princesses you have selected?

QUEEN

(Looking in a notebook) Let me see. The first one is Princess Lavinia of Belvedere. Very promising this one. She’s been under a spell by a wicked fairy since she was born.

PRINCE

What sort of spell?

QUEEN

Well, her parents didn’t fully explain but they did say that it was something to do with a transformation into some sort of creature.

PRINCE

Hang on a minute – I’m not expected to sit here and have tea with a swan or a frog, am I?

QUEEN

Don’t be silly dear. Princesses don’t get transformed into frogs. Only princes. If she is a swan, I’m sure she’ll be very lovely. Don’t be so prejudiced.

(The footman enters)

FOOTMAN
Princess Lavinia of Belvedere is here, your Majesty.

QUEEN

Ah, splendid! Harold, put away that paper! Richard, put away those cards! Let’s make a good impression on this young lady.

FOOTMAN

Excuse me, your Majesty…

QUEEN

Yes?

FOOTMAN

Would you be intending to have cheese sandwiches for tea?

KING

Of course! We always have cheese sandwiches, don’t we dear? Tea wouldn’t be the same without cheese sandwiches.

QUEEN

Why do you ask?

FOOTMAN

It’s just that Princess Lavinia especially requested them.

QUEEN

Oh, well, that’s fine. Show her in then and tell the maids to bring the tea.

FOOTMAN (bowing)

Yes Your Majesty.

(The footman leaves)

PRINCE
Why does she like cheese sandwiches?

QUEEN

Richard, stop being so suspicious. It’s perfectly natural to like cheese sandwiches.

(The Footman enters with Princess Lavinia. She is dressed in a lovely dress, with a tiara on her head. Unfortunately, she has a mouse nose and whiskers, mouse ears and a mouse tail. She also tends to bare her top teeth and nibble, in between sentences and when she laughs, she squeaks like a mouse. Everyone looks suitably startled.)

FOOTMAN
Princess Lavinia of Belvedere, Your Majesties.

QUEEN (Getting up from her throne and going over to the princess)

Welcome my dear! This is my husband, King Harold, and this is my son, Prince Richard.

LAVINIA

(Squeaking loudly) I’m so pleased to meet you! It’s lovely for me to get an invitation to tea. I hardly ever get out nowadays.

PRINCE

Please come and sit down.

(Lavinia sits down and squeaks/giggles nervously)

QUEEN
Tea will be here in a moment. Tell us a little bit about yourself my dear.

LAVINIA

Well, there’s not much to tell really. My father, the King of Belvedere, upset a wicked fairy at my christening party by not having cheese sandwiches at the christening tea, so the fairy turned me into part mouse, part princess and condemned me to eat cheese sandwiches for the rest of my life.

QUEEN

Oh, isn’t that just typical! It’s always the men who upset the wicked fairies and who pays for it? Their daughters. It makes me so cross.

Part of SCENE 3…

FAIRY

First candidate please!

(The first girl steps forward.)

FAIRY

And what is your name, my dear?

1st GIRL

Demelza, Your Fairyship.

FAIRY

(Writing) Well that’s a pretty name. Good. So, Demelza, what do you do?

1st GIRL

I’m a milkmaid.

FAIRY

Good. Nice useful profession.

1st GIRL

And a chicken-plucker.

FAIRY

Right. Anything else?

1st GIRL

Yes. I sell chicken manure.

2nd VILLAGER

Very good for growing roses is chicken manure.

FAIRY

Quite. Smelly work is it?

1st GIRL

Well it does pong a bit, yes.

FAIRY

I see. Do you have any hobbies?

1st GIRL

Nettle eating.

FAIRY

I beg your pardon?

1st GIRL

Nettle eating. I’m the regional champion. I can eat twenty yards at a sitting, although my personal best is actually twenty two yards.

FAIRY

That can’t be good for you!

1st GIRL

Oh it is. Very good for the blood are nettles. Very good.

FAIRY

Right…well, thank you Demelza…we’ll let you know.

(The first girl returns to the group of girls, looking disappointed.)

FAIRY

Next!

(The second girl steps up)

FAIRY

And your name is?

2nd GIRL

Poppy, Your Fairyship.

FAIRY

Another lovely name! And what do you do my dear?

2nd GIRL

I’m a bird scarer.

FAIRY

Oh. How does that work then?

2nd GIRL

Well. People pay me to stand in their orchards and do this…

(She screams really loudly and for quite a long time. Everyone puts their hands over their ears.)

FAIRY

(Shouting at the top of her voice) THANK YOU POPPY! I THINK WE’VE HEARD QUITE ENOUGH! (The girl stops screaming) Now, do you have any hobbies?

2nd GIRL

Oh yes. I really like singing.

(She starts singing really loudly and very tunelessly. Everyone puts their hands over their ears again.)

FAIRY

(Shouting again) THANK YOU POPPY! WE”LL LET YOU KNOW!