Running time approx. 60mins.
A nautical pantomime this time! Dame Shipshape (oh, yes – there is a Dame) and her daughter run the Pop Inn at the harbour, frequented by pirates, spies and a giant parrot who cooks. (Yes, it really is that stupid!) The Dame’s husband disappeared one day (five minutes in her company and you can see why). But then it comes to light that he was NUTS (an agent for the National Undercover Technical Service) and he was in possession of a valuable treasure map. The Dame finds the map and the next thing is that she and her friends are off to a tropical island with pirates in hot pursuit. It’s a sort of Man From Uncle crossed with Treasure Island but pretty bizarre! Lots of songs and there’s even a Genie in a bottle. It’s a big cast with a big parrot. It doesn’t get nuttier than that!
34 SPEAKING PARTS. UNLIMITED NON-SPEAKING BUT SINGING.
Suggested songs:
- On A Wonderful Day Like Today (Roar of the Greasepaint)
- What Shall We Do With A Drunken Sailor (traditional)
- Island In the Sun (Harry Belafonte)
- Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better (Annie Get Your Gun)
- Free As a Bird (The Beatles)
- Polly Put the Kettle On (Nursery Rhyme)
Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. Our scripts also give full production notes regarding scenery, costumes and props.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
Here’s a sample
Excuse me, do you know where I might find good lodgings nearby?
DAME
(Leaps up and shouts at the top of her voice) Customer!!(Half a dozen, or more, STAFF rush from the Pop Inn and surround DANNY, there is no escape.)DAME
Look no further young gentleman, you have found the Ritz of the village. We can provide the best and cheapest lodgings to be found anywhere.
DANNY
Lucky me.
DAME
Step this way and enjoy the finest food in surroundings you would not believe possible.(DANNY is escorted into the Pop Inn by the STAFF)
SUZY
What are we going to give him to eat mother?
DAME
A slice of bread, no butter, and a sliver of cheese. You’d better scrape the mould off first. And fumigate the bedroom too, we don’t want him complaining about bedbugs.
SUZY
I’ll do the best I can. (Exits)
DAME
Money at last! This is the first paying guest we’ve had in ages. We’ll hang on to him as long as we can.
(Enter the PIRATES. CAPTAIN ARDAS NAILS, ANDY CAPSTAN, JESSY JONES , BILL HOOKS and POLLY PARROT followed by their PIRATE CREW)
NAILS
(Carrying a map) Steady there me buckos, I think this is the place.
CAPSTAN
What makes you think that Cap’n?
POLLY
(Squawk) ‘cos he’s stupid.
NAILS
Shut up Polly. It’s ‘cos we followed the directions on the map.
JESSY
We’ve followed the directions on maps before, but we never get where we want to go.
NAILS
That’s mutinous talk, Jessy Jones, you female son of a seadog.
POLLY
Waste of time, waste of time. (Squawk). Let’s have a mutiny, let’s have a mutiny.
NAILS
Shut up Polly. (To Capstan and Jessy) I’m beginin’ to regret I ever found you two, right pair of moaning Minnies. Did you never make a mistake?
JESSY
I did, it was joining your pirate band.
CAPSTAN
Same ‘ere. I only joined ‘cos I wanted to play the trumpet.
(They ALL look at CAPSTAN in disbelief)
PART OF SCENE 2…
(DAVE and RODNEY enter. They are wearing dark suits and dark glasses and look like FBI agents. They strut around the stage looking suspiciously at everything)
DAVE
Is this the place, Rodney?
RODNEY
Could be, Dave. Maybe, maybe not.
DAVE
Looks pretty grotty, not my idea of home.
RODNEY
We don’t have to stay here, we’re only making enquiries. It’s called the Pop Inn. An Inn called Pop.
DAVE
Oh, The Pop Inn.
RODNEY
Yes.
DAVE
Right. What are we here for?
RODNEY
The occupant is one known as Dame Shipshape. Wife of Cornelius Shipshape otherwise known as Agent double oh six and a half.
DAVE
Why only six and a half?
RODNEY
The department thought he wasn’t all there. He left a clue telling us where he had hidden a chest full of gold but we haven’t been able to find it.
DAVE
The clue or the chest full of gold?
RODNEY
Neither.
DAVE
Not very good are we?
RODNEY
You may not be but I’m very clever.
DAVE
Are you saying I’m a moron?
RODNEY
No. More of a more less.
DAVE
Why did we come here?
RODNEY
Because we think his wife may have the clue. So we are here to jog her memory.
DAVE
Shall I knock on the door?
RODNEY
Please do, Dave.
DAVE
(Knocking on the door) Anyone home?
DAME (offstage)
Who is it?
DAVE
We’re from NUTS.
DAME (Offstage)
I don’t want any thank you.
DAVE
We’re not selling them, we are NUTS.
RODNEY
We’ve got a right one here.
DAME (Offstage)
I heard that.
DAVE
Are you Dame Shipshape?
DAME (Offstage)
What if I am?
RODNEY
Wife of Cornelius Shipshape?
DAME (Offstage)
I might be. Why do you want to know?
(Comes rushing in) Have you found him? He’s been missing for years!
RODNEY
No. we’re looking for him. Do you have a clue to his whereabouts?
DAME
No, I’m clue less.
DAVE
That’s what we thought.
DAME (tearful)
My Cornelius sailed the seven seas as a Captain but after his last voyage he never came home.
RODNEY (to the audience)
Are we surprised? No.
DAVE
We’re trying to find him so we’re searching for clues. Did he leave you anything?
DAME
Only this grotty, I mean, gorgeous Inn.