Approximate running time of 60 minutes.
No songs in this play. A wacky fairy tale (sort of) involving aubergines (too difficult to explain) a Prince, unrequited love, three witches and a wizard. Bizarre but fun.
This doesn’t compare to any fairy story you’ve ever read. First, there are a lot of references to aubergines (don’t ask, it’s too complicated), then there is a nasty King, who exiles his son and heir, Jack, and his tutor, Cornucopius. Jack’s crime is that he has fallen in love with local beauty, Sharon Tuff, and the King objects. After meeting up with a conman, who shows the pair how to make money grifting on the streets, they go deep into the woods to find Stumbleweed, a wise man who knows the meaning of life, which he keeps in a small box. (Like everyone else in the play, we had guessed what it was, but we thought it would be purple). Perplexed? Join the club. But you will find it funny.
24 speaking parts. Unlimited number of courtiers/villagers, if required.
As with all our plays, there are full production notes that give advice on scenery, costumes and props.
NO ROYALTIES. PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
Here’s a sample
Scene 1. After the Feast
It is early one gloomy morning in the castle. KING LIONEL is slumped on his throne, asleep; he is using his son JACK as a footrest. He snores very loudly. Yesterday evening’s feast was a particularly heavy one. His other son, RUFUS, lies asleep nearby. Next to him is a spilt beer tankard. On a small table is a plate of leeks. Nearby are four COURTIERS, also slumped rather uneasily. Like LIONEL and RUFUS, they are sleeping off the excesses of the previous night.
Lights come up and in walks the loud and vivacious Queen of Castile, ISABELLA, who speaks English with an outrageous Spanish accent. Some ponderous medieval music merges into vigorous Spanish guitar music as the play begins. She is accompanied by a Spanish guitarist who pretends to play the music. ISABELLA dances, flamenco style, and finishes with a triumphant “Olé” as the guitar music stops. ISABELLA claps her hands loudly and seems full of Mediterranean high spirits – which is more than can be said for LIONEL and his COURTIERS.
ISABELLA
Ah… What is this, I see? Still sleeping, my friend? (she nudges LIONEL.) We ate and drank well last night, did we not… You are obviously not used to our Mediterranean ways of feasting… (She nudges him harder.)
LIONEL (dozily)
What…what time is it?
(From here the COURTIERS all begin to rise, slowly and carefully, stumbling a little. RUFUS spots the tankard and drinks from it, making a face. It seems odd.)
ISABELLA
Time you were up, my friend! My party and I are leaving for Spain within the hour.
LIONEL
Spain? How nice! Are you going on holiday?
ISABELLA
On holiday? No – we come from there.
LIONEL
Oh? Do you? Jolly good… Spain you say… I know a couple of people there… You could say “hello” to them for me if you see them… One of them is this funny woman who keeps clapping her hands and shouting “olé” at every opportunity… Queen…Isa…something.
ISABELLA
The “funny woman with the olé” you are talking of is me! I am Isabella Santiago di Compostella della Cruz, Duchess of Cordoba, Queen of Castile, Lord Protector of Aragon, Baroness of Granada, Royal Warden of the Canary Islands and Visiting Professor of Medieval Social History at the University of Pamplona. That is the most impressive of my titles as the Middle Ages haven’t even happened yet. My triumphant seafarers also discovered the Galapagos Islands. Whereas you are Lionel, King of… Hmm, yes (with contempt) Werconia, a rather damp corner of England… (sniffs) Which also has a rather strange smell about it.
LIONEL
Yes. I’m sorry about that.
ISABELLA
Don’t mention it.
LIONEL
And by the way, before you go on, I will tell you that I am not merely the King of Werconia. I have several other titles, too. I’m…er…er…what am I, then, Rufus…
RUFUS (reminding him)
Aren’t you… The Duke of Cornwall?
LIONEL
No…I lost that title to my younger brother after a game of scrabble, which turned quite nasty…he got “razzmatazz” on a triple word score…
ISABELLA
Well, then… You must have discovered somewhere far away and exotic, as my own explorers have…
LIONEL
Yes! That is where I am your equal, madam… I will be going down in history as the discoverer of the Isle of Wight.
ISABELLA
The Isle of Wight?
LIONEL
The very same.
ISABELLA
You didn’t discover the Isle of Wight.
LIONEL
Yes I did!
ISABELLA
No you didn’t. No-one did. It didn’t ever need to be discovered. Everyone’s always known it’s been there. It’s like saying you discovered Wales, or Birmingham.
LIONEL
All right, then… Berwick-upon-Tweed.
ISABELLA
Where?
LIONEL
That’s a place I discovered.
RUFUS
Actually, father… You didn’t… It’s just that we arrived there it was a Tuesday afternoon, and everyone was out…you only thought you’d discovered it.
ISABELLA
This is not sounding very impressive.
LIONEL (clutching at straws)
I was a deck-chair attendant at Great Yarmouth for a while…
ISABELLA
Hmm… I am beginning to have very serious doubts about our arrangement, you know.
LIONEL (confused)
Arrangement?
ISABELLA (exasperated)
The whole point of our visit! The reason why the Spanish delegation braved the storms of the Bay of Biscay to get here in the first place!
LIONEL
It’s no good, I’m afraid… You’ll have to remind me…
ISABELLA
Our mission was to arrange the marriage of my beautiful daughter, Coriander Lobelia, the Princess of Benidorm, to your son, Prince Jack.