Running time approx. 50mins.
600 years of British history in one hour! Not even Simon Schama could do that! Not only is it fast, but it’s crazy and very, very funny. There’s a lot of royalty (obviously – and it’s amazing how many meet gruesome ends), terrible jokes by the bucketful, slapstick and some songs! For example – there was the king who banned golf (give that man a medal!), then there was the king who lost his treasure (doh!), the Black Death prompted a nursery rhyme, Henry VIII had six wives and was addicted to wedding cake (really?!), there’s even an episode of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. (Told you it was crazy.)
BETWEEN 15 and 40 SPEAKING PARTS, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER PARTS ARE DOUBLED UP OR NOT.
Suggested songs:
- Another Brick in The Wall (Pink Floyd)
- Football Crazy (Traditional Scottish song)
- I’m Henery the Eighth I Am (Hermann’s Hermits)
- Greensleeves (Traditional)
- It’s A Kind Of Magic (Queen)
Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. All our scripts also contain production notes regarding, scenery, costumes and props.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
Here’s a sample
Part of SCENE 1…
TIMELINE (Image 3)
Yes, and when Edward died, he came to England to claim the throne.
GRANT
I bet that caused trouble!
ASSISTANT
Harold had been fighting at the Battle of Stamford Bridge.
GRANT
Those Chelsea supporters always were hooligans.
TIMELINE (Image 4)
No, Stamford Bridge near York. The Vikings had invaded the Yorkshire
coast.
ASSISTANT
So Harold had to defend against the Vikings, not realising what William was
doing.
TIMELINE
And when William landed, Harold had to march with his army to Hastings.
JONATHAN
But that’s about 300 miles!
GRANT
No wonder he lost. Poor souls would be tired out.
TIMELINE
This is how it was….
(2 Norman soldiers enter with King William and 2 Saxon soldiers enter with
King Harold. They march about singing)
SOLDIERS (Singing, to the tune of ‘Champion the Wonder Horse’)
“William, the Conker King! William the Conker King!”
CHILDREN (counter singing to the soldiers – to the tune of popular football
chant)
We love you ‘arold, we do,
We love you ‘arold, we do,
We love you ‘arold, we do,
Oh, ‘arold we love you.
NARRATOR 1
There was clearly strong support on both sides.
(Harold rushes up to the middle plinth and the soldiers occupy the two either
side)
HAROLD
Stay on the high ground. They’ll never defeat us fighting uphill.
JONATHAN
Sounds a bit like King of the Castle to me.
TIMELINE
Well, that’s a good comparison. Listen, though….
HAROLD
If we keep our discipline, they cannot win. And keep an eye out for arrows.
They’ll rain down from the sky. Don’t look up, keep your heads down.
(Harold and the soldiers look down at their feet)
ZOE
I never knew they had tactics in ancient battles.
GRANT
They’d have been better off with tictacs!
WILLIAM(Going up to Harold)
I am William the Conker King. The throne of England is rightly mine.
HAROLD
You’ll have to fight me for it! (He jumps off the plinth)
WILLIAM
So be it! This will be an ‘arrowing experience for you.
HAROLD
I can’t see the point.
WILLIAM
Oh, you will, you will. Prepare to die.
(Harold and William circle each other, sparring rather than fighting)
NARRATOR 2
The battle raged as each army tried to capture the other king.
GRANT
Sounds a bit like chess to me!
TIMELINE
The similarities are more than coincidence.
HOLLY
So what happened? What about the arrow in the eye which killed Harold?
ASSISTANT (Handing “the arrow” to Harold – See props list)
Not true. Harold was only wounded by the arrow.
HAROLD (Clamping “the arrow” to his eye)
Arrgh! My eye! My eye!
ASSISTANT (Miming the action)
But his chest was split open by a two handed Norman sword, and the blood
poured out and soaked into the ground staining it red.
(Harold yells and falls to the ground)
TIMELINE (Miming the action)
A second blow from the sword cut off his leg….
(Harold writhes about and goes “aargh”)
ASSISTANT (Miming the action)
He was stabbed through the stomach with a lance….
(Harold writhes about and goes “aargh” again)
TIMELINE (Miming the action)
And his head was hacked off, just to make sure he was dead.
(Harold sits up and says “What?!” in a disgusted tone of voice, then he lays
back down again. His two soldiers drag him offstage)
ASSISTANT
I always did like the gory bits!
Part of SCENE 7…
HENRY VIII
Come on, come on! I haven’t got all day! Where’s my next wife?
ARCHBISHOP
Er, may I present Catherine Howard. She’s only seventeen and very pretty.
HENRY VIII
Ah yes. That’s better.
(Catherine steps forward)
NARRATOR 2
But, the only thing was, Catherine Howard was very popular with lads her
own age.
ASSISTANT
Well, she liked to have fun – the king was getting old and fat, what can you
expect?
HENRY VIII
Eh? Me? Old and fat? How dare you!
ASSISTANT (shrugging)
Well I can only speak as I find – sorry.
HENRY VIII
Right, that’s it! (pointing at Catherine) This teenager is impossible! She gets
everything she wants – nice clothes, make up, ponies – you name it – and
then she sneaks off and has fun behind my back!
TIMELINE
Huh! Welcome to the real world!
CATHERINE H
I won’t do it again.
EVERYONE (cynically)
Oh yeah… right… heard that before…
HENRY VIII
You’re darned right you won’t do it again! Off with her head!
CATHERINE H
Couldn’t you just ground me, or something?
HENRY VIII
No. Off with her head!
CATHERINE H (sulking)
Whatever…
(Catherine H returns to her place in line with her back to the audience,
revealing the word ‘BEHEADED’ on her back)
ARCHBISHOP
That’s five wives already.
HENRY VIII
I’ll give it another go – as long as it’s not some teenager again.
ARCHBISHOP
You are not getting any younger Sire. Perhaps you should give this marriage
business up?
HENRY VIII
No, I can’t…you see, I’m addicted to wedding cake.
ARCHBISHOP
Perhaps there’s time for just one more. Might I suggest Catherine Parr? A
nice widow of mature years.
(Catherine Parr steps forward)
HENRY VIII
I really need someone to look after me in my old age.
ZOE
Do you know, he’s really getting on my nerves! Talk about selfish!
ARCHBISHOP (to Catherine P)
Are you worried about marrying an old king, my dear?
CATHERINE P
No, it’s great! I’ll become queen, and then with a bit of luck, he’ll die!
GRANT
Well she’s not exactly the caring type, is she?!