Running time approx. 45mins.
Inspector Claude Clueless and WPC World are investigating several crimes in the dangerous world of nursery rhymes. Hey – stolen sheep, accidents that cause grievous bodily harm requiring vinegar and brown paper, abducted pigs, intimidation by wolves – these are not trivial matters! But if Claude Clueless can trivialise something – he will! This is not how you remember those nursery rhymes from your childhood. These rhymes are much funnier and the audience is invited to join in the songs and follow the clues.
30 SPEAKING PARTS. NON-SPEAKING BUT SINGING COULD BE ADDED IF NEEDED (for example: a couple of sheep to accompany Bo-Peep, extra Blackbirds, extra singing Officers, extra Phone Operators and so on).
Songs (unaccompanied) in the script:
- Little Bo Peep
- Tom, Tom, the Piper’s son
- Jack and Jill
- Sing a Song of Sixpence
- Humpty Dumpty
Songs with audience participation:
- Do Re Mi (Karaoke to the Sound of Music and Mary Poppins)
- On Top of Old Smoky (Mega Tracks Karaoke Band)
- Pop Goes the Weasel (The Rhymers)
- There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly (Burl Ives)
Our scripts provide links to backing tracks for the songs, which can be purchased and downloaded for a very modest fee. Our scripts also give full production notes regarding scenery, costumes and props.
NO ROYALTIES, PHOTOCOPYING LICENCE INCLUDED.
Here’s a sample
PART OF SCENE 1 …(Theme music from TV programme)
PRESENTER 1
Hello, good evening and welcome to Nursery Crimewatch – the programme which covers all manner of crime in your area.
PRESENTER 2
We should warn you that some of the crimes featured in the programme tonight are not for the faint hearted.
PRESENTER 1
Viewers may find some scenes shocking. Some may even feel upset or distressed.
PRESENTER 2
Victim Support is a national charity to help people affected by crime.
PRESENTER 1
And counselling is available for those who need it.
PRESENTER 2
Contact telephone numbers will be displayed after the show, but if you feel the need for help or support during the programme…
PRESENTER 1
We do have a website – I’mfeelingreallydistressedandsoveryupsetthatI’mgoingtocomplain(Pause) dot com and you can follow us on Twitter or Facebook.
PRESENTER 2
Alternatively, you could always switch channels.
PRESENTER 1
Don’t say that! We need people to keep watching!
PRESENTER 2
By continuing to watch, you give your consent. If you stay, there’s no going back, no recriminations, so don’t even think about applying for compensation if you find items we feature disturbing and upsetting.
PRESENTER 1
But if you do watch, please don’t have nightmares.
PRESENTER 2
Our telephone operators are poised ready to answer your calls. Give us a wave guys!
(Telephone Operators respond with varying levels of enthusiasm)
PRESENTER 1
Your calls are very important to us. When it comes to information gathering, every little helps! So on with the show.
PRESENTER 2
We have a mixed bag this evening with something to appeal to the curious crime-watcher, featuring a cornucopia of cases which have baffled the police.
PRESENTER 1
Cornucopia! I’m impressed! And some alliteration too! Your teachers will be impressed!
PRESENTER 2
Through reconstruction and re-enactment, we will present a detailed, definitive description of despicable depictions of crime.
PRESENTER 1
Wow! Even more alliteration! You’re after the Brownie points today!
PRESENTER 2
Yes, I hope my English teacher is watching. Her advice was ‘avoid alliteration always!’ so that’s one in the eye for her!
PRESENTER 1
As usual we have serving police officers to help in our presentations, and so we welcome Detective Inspector Claude Clueless.
(Enter DI CLAUDE CLUELESS)
PRESENTER 1
Inspector Clueless – you have an unfortunate name for a detective?
CLUELESS
What’s wrong with Claude? It’s a nice name, Claude.
PRESENTER 1
I meant your surname. Clueless – for a detective?
CLUELESS
We’re always clueless to begin with, but with the help of your viewers tonight, we will collect clues which will help us to solve the crimes featured.
PRESENTER 2
But clueless? I ask you! Didn’t you ever think of changing your name?
CLUELESS
Don’t ever be deceived by superficial judgements. I’m as sharp as a razor, as perceptive as a clairvoyant, as astute as… as astute as…um…whatever…
PART OF SCENE 2…
PRESENTER 3
Thank you, and good evening everyone. Now we have another case with an agricultural connection, but this time it’s a missing person. Detective Inspector, over to you.
CLUELESS (sits at coffee table)
Two days ago, we had a call from Mr and Mrs Piper. Their son Tom Tom had gone missing.
PRESENTER 4
Tom Tom? Surely some mistake there?
CLUELESS
Yes, that really is his name, it’s not a mistake. He really is called Tom Tom.
PRESENTER 3 (follows and also sits at coffee table)
So how did you respond?
CLUELESS
We made an immediate search of the area, did house to house calls, posted pictures on lamp posts, in shop windows and parish council noticeboards, and all to no avail.
PRESENTER 4 (follows, but stands behind)
So this is where we can help. Have you seen this boy? (TELEPHONE OPERATOR 1 holds up large photo of TOM, TOM (SEE PRODUCTION NOTES)) He answers to the name of Tom Tom, and he’s been missing now for more than a day.
PRESENTER 3
And it’s been very cold outside. Very cold, close to freezing.
(TELEPHONE OPERATOR 2 waves a piece of paper in the air)
TELEPHONE OPERATOR 2
You might want to read this!
PRESENTER 3 (Collects paper and scan reads)
Whilst we’ve been on air, we’ve had a report from a concerned member of the public, with new information. It seems that Tom Tom may not only be a runaway, but a thief as well.
(Enter WPC WORLD)
CLUELESS
Here’s WPC World to provide an update.
WPC WORLD
I still feel really silly doing this. I don’t think it’s a good idea. It’s embarrassing.
CLUELESS
I’ve told you, it’s better than an audition. You’ll never get on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ because you haven’t any. So this is your only chance.
WPC WORLD
I know, but the millions watching are just seeing me make a fool of myself.
CLUELESS
Nonsense! This is a great opportunity.
WPC WORLD
Oh, very well. But I’m not doing this on my own! (Whistles again)
(Enter 4 POLICE OFFICERS)
FOUR OFFICERS (in unison)
Evening all! Here we are again! ‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello! What’s all this then? Move on now! Let’s be ‘aving you!
WPC WORLD and FOUR OFFICERS (sing)
“Tom Tom, the Piper’s son, stole a pig and away he runs.”
(Enter TOM TOM, with a bag over his shoulder. He stops mid stage, looks behind, and right and left, before running off. Enter BUTCHER who chases TOM TOM)
BUTCHER
‘Ere! Come back ‘ere! (To audience) He’s nicked something from my shop!
(Exit BUTCHER)
WPC WORLD and FOUR OFFICERS (continue singing)
“The pig was eat, and Tom was beat, and he went roaring down the street.”
CLUELESS
This sheds new light on the matter. It explains everything! Tom Tom stole a pig….
PRESENTER 3
But we should be wary of too literal a translation, shouldn’t we?
CLUELESS
I was getting to that. It’s more likely that Tom Tom helped himself to a pork and pickle sandwich which Mrs Butcher had made for Mr Butcher’s lunch.